Sleep/no sleep

I remember sleep and how that could bring the me back into myself
on days I was frustrated with the children I could sleep and awake and forgive myself and them
Now there is no sleep, no refreshing shine in my eyes, no eyes only I
It was in those last days when I had no sleep
as the darkness and red fear overcame my sleep and I lay wide-eyed as my babies cried through the night and we waited together for morning
which we didn't know would come.
It was in those days my mind slipped into some melting, sour world and
my babies became different entities to me
and finally, together crying, we slid into the blisfull cold icy water flow.
But I couldn't catch them and they flowed away, their eyes wide and surprized as they called
maman, maman! and held their arms up and out to me. I couldn't touch them, I couldn't feel them and they slid from me in the cold
I found a rock and the men found me.